3,894 Days Later

 It has been 10 years, 7 months, and 26 days since I posted on this blog. 

I am not the same person I was then. And yet, I am still Her. 

I have updated my name, logo, profile, etc. It all links to a new website and identity, both of which are under construction.

My intention is pick up as if I have been writing all along. There have been so many iterations of Self, so much growth, so much struggle, so much magick. I could not possibly attempt to catch up here, it would do a disservice to evolution and growth to water it down into a concise paragraph or two. 

Believe me, there has been a lot of Red. There is still always enough Grace. 

So read the past if you so desire. I did. It was illuminating to see how much I have changed and how much I have not. 

I am building a business. I don't know what the hell I'm doing. I am not yet selling anything. But, at some point I will be. And blogs attached to businesses can seem disingenuine and markety. I hope I never stop putting my bloody red heart on the page, but there will be times when I blatantly link to something I will financially gain from. Follow along or don't. But you've been warned. 

Like the goddess of Death and Spring, whose name I have taken as my own, I am in love with both the darkness and the light. I have not magically created a life where all is perfect. Oh well. Neither have you. Grace is still Red, and so are all the other bits. I am still Deva, endeavoring always to serve and be served, to create and love and grow. Its a roller coaster ride. Hell and heaven in one swallow. 

In Health, In Grace, In All That Is Red,

Percy

Little Epiphanies....

I had one today. A little epiphany. As usual with my epiphanies, it was immediately followed by a huge sense of relief and a somewhat embarrassing "well, duh!" moment.

Here's my grand revelation: this is my life. It is the way it is. It's a lot different from the way it was 6 months ago. It's different than I ever thought it would turn out. There is a lot of chaos and uncertainty. I have a lot of regrets and shoulda, woulda, coulda's going on in the back of my head.

But, the bouts of anger and resentment, the panic at not knowing what's gonna happen next. The weirdness of telling people my story and the exhaustion at seeing the moral outrage on their faces. The feeling sorry for myself and the blaming others for my pain. That's not my life. That's my reaction to the circumstances of my life.

All I can do is start from where I'm at. Start living the life I'm in instead of reacting to it. Stop expecting the people who have repeatedly shown me who they are to start acting differently. Stop sharing the nitty gritty hilarious awful details with others just to get the shock value and the validation of my pity party.

Can't move forward if I keep wallowing in the muck. Just accept it and then paint it red.

So, I wrote all of that a couple of weeks ago. Didn't seem like it was quite finished so I hadn't posted it. The next day my mom let loose with everything I had ever done to hurt or disappoint her. All of the upheaval in my personal life was wreaking havoc in hers and I hadn't adequately noticed and supported her. Big sigh....take a number. There are too many people in the emotional abuse line right now. I have too much other shit to deal with.

Somehow the breakup (on Facebook no less!) with my mom pushed me even further into that space of accepting where I'm at and just going with it. I'm still in that mode of moving forward at a snail's pace. I told Kelli the other day that people keep asking me about the progress in my life and I always feel like I have such lame answers. Feels like a lot is happening on the inside though.....

Am officially planning my birthday month. Want to do something fabulously amazing every day. This is practice for Mama Gena style ultra self-care. Pleasure is a power tool and I could use a little more power these days.

Am sitting this morning on the comfy leather couch at Blackbird Coffee Company. I use to come here all the time and work when we first moved here. I met Kelli here, threw together my website here. The baristas here have heard my whole soap opera story from start to finish simply because Kelli and I don't have much in the way of volume filters. Haven't been here in a while and it kinda feels like coming home.

Joy Riding with the Little Birdies

Being angry sucks. Not going to do it anymore. Am just going to be happy whether certain people like it or not. Am giving the crazy back to the crazy makers.
If you wanna come along for my joy ride then welcome. If you're going to try and manipulate me into doing something you want me to do on the condition that if I don't you won't join me on the joy ride, well fine. This joy ride continues whether you're on board or not. And if you throw a temper tantrum and complain that you're not having a joy ride, I WILL WALK AWAY FROM YOU.
That's not a threat, it's me establishing a boundary. It's me saying the joy ride is more important than whether you're on board or not.

Here's a few happy moments on my joy ride:

Ummm.....Therapy does not suck. Dar Williams was right. 

Went to The Elsinore Theater with one of my favorite people in the world and saw The Birds. So....Alfred Hitchcock was a pretty cool guy. I remember my mom talking about this movie when I was little but hadn't ever seen it. So, funny that it was more suspenseful than scary. I kept waiting for something really gory to happen and it never did.

Tonight is Zumba night with Rana and Kim!!! Had to miss last week and it was a bummer.

Tomorrow I get to start helping Kelli paint bedrooms in her house! I know this does not seem like a cause for celebration but painting walls is one of my favoritest things to do in all the world. I'm betting there won't be any Red walls involved. But, it's her house not mine.

Already thinking about my 41st birthday. May just have to make a month of it. Can't believe its been a whole year since I had my big 40 shindig and kinda officially became The Deva. And then the whole ensuing realization that Grace so often comes in the form of a shit storm and that often times the Mother Goddess shows up as fiery, bloody Kali who spends 6 months lovingly cleaving all that which no longer serves away from your battered and bruised life. Can't complain....I'm the one who called her out.

Ooohhh Ooohhh Ooohhh have I mentioned the nerdy red librarian glasses?!!! This news is a little old, but oh my goddess I love them!

My Divine Wink for the day "You have the power to make angels swoon." Oh yes. You have no idea. They swoon over me all the time. Sometimes I join them.

Ok sweethearts - it's either a joy ride or it's ....... NOT. Guess who gets to choose? My joy ride is Red, but lately there's been a lot of Mediterranean blues and greens thrown in just for fun. And little birds; the little birds have been calling to me lately....check out my Pinterest board of birdies.  These are not the scary kind from the movie.

Start your joy ride ride right now.....ready set go!

In Grace, (Which according to Mumford & Sons, is all about burning bridges. Uumm...I think I've done a little of that lately.)

Kell

Sore throat, tequila shots, bbq sauce...and stuffed weasels?

Coming off of a couple days of sore throat and that creepy kind of fever that comes and goes. One minute you're freezing and feeling like you've been hit by a truck, the next you're sweating and feeling like you Zumba'd for 3 hours. All the while you can't swallow, talk or breathe without crying....

But, I seem to have turned the corner - have been gargling Thieves for a couple of days now and it seems to have done the trick.

My mama, and her twin brother, turned 65 this week. Huge family party at a grange hall in Albany. Have to say it felt good to be there minus J. (Sorry if you read this, it's true.) We've had a conversation about how over the years I've never been able to dance at parties in front of him. Like it was this version of me he didn't know and I wasn't suppose to be. I know now that this hugely disappoints him and was largely based on bad communication and out-of-whack expectations. Still, this was a rock-n-roll party. My mom and her sister, Auntie M, are Dancing Fools and the whole point was to dance. So, I did. Probably looked like a walrus flopping around on the beach a few times, but seriously, who gives a shit?

There were three really cool moments at that party....this is one. That's my second cousin, the illustrious Deva Lucy, also a certified Dancing Fool. And those are my 3 inch heels. She is my idol.

The 2nd moment happened when over the PA system came blasting the 1980's dance party classic - Gloria Estefan's "Conga." I'm pretty sure it was Auntie M who snuck this into the mix of 50's and 60's stuff. Now, the back story is that I use to love Gloria. Back when I just liked what I liked and didn't know that there was good music and bad music and that a level of snobbery existed about an artist's ability to play or write and that songs were not suppose to just be for fun, they had to be intellectual as well. (I am eternally grateful for the lessons gained and music appreciated which I never would have been introduced to if I hadn't been married to a music geek for 17 years.) But, somewhere along the way, I gave up Gloria. Because she was not intelligent enough. Because she doesn't play an instrument. Because music snobs don't like dance/pop icons. But, guess what? The music geek wasn't at this party rolling his eyes and gritting his teeth. So I danced like it was 1985 even though it was just Auntie M and I on the dance floor. And then this magic thing happened. All of my beautiful girl cousins heard that song and came running to dance to it. And we did that girls in a circle dancing thing. And not only was it high school all over again, but there was that wild, witchy knowledge in the back of my head that whispered "powerful things happen when women dance in circles, sweetheart." You know that feeling when your soul cries for sheer joy? That's what it was.

So, the 3rd moment happened a little later in the evening. The party was winding down, hardly anyone was dancing and my mom and I just couldn't get our mojo going. Notice to anyone who ever rents a grange hall: they don't let you have alcohol in their building. Well, some folks had been indulging in the parking lot and I told mom that the alcohol was being wasted on people who weren't dancing. So, she took me out to her car and got out the coffee decanter she had filled with tequila. My mama snuck booze to her own birthday party! My mom, the card carrying evangelical, fundamentalist, conservative, Jesus-loving prude who cringes when her grandsons say "ass" or "pissed," who thinks normal people don't ever have sex, or at least don't enjoy it - whose idea of true happiness is that someday she'll die and go to heaven....stood there in the dark next to her mini-van and chugged tequila with me from a coffee decanter!!!!! I told her I thought it was the coolest thing we had ever done together. Best mother-daughter moment ever.

Yesterday was Valentine's Day. I have always had great disdain for this holiday. Had a bit more than that for it this year. (Snark) I was suppose to hang out at the art museum and have dinner with one of the loveliest people in the world, but my temperature was 102* and I figured great works of art are better appreciated when fully conscious. So I mostly vegged out with Auntie M - watched a chocolate fight on The Bold and the Beautiful, and kept my snark to myself when 50 couples got engaged on The Talk. Then, I went back to "the house" to be a mama after school and realized that there is nothing more lusciously Red and heart throbbing and frilly and pink and heart shaped than how much I love my two boys. So, we went out to dinner at the messiest place we could find. Famous Dave's BBQ. Faces and fingers got covered in sweet, hot, sticky sauce and we laughed a lot and I snorted sweet tea out my nose when a waiter walked by with a t'shirt that said "Is it really so wrong to love a pig?" It was one of those moments. Where everything is right in the universe. Where everything you need is within arm's reach. And you just know that everything is gonna be okay. I took a mental snapshot and breathed to Goddess something that went like "More of this...please, I want more of how I feel right now." Best Valentine's date ever.

Merry Christmas. Fuck with me and I will cut you.

J sent me a link to The Bloggess' recent post about the newest member of her dead stuffed animal collection, Juanita the Weasel. I laughed so hard I cried. I went to her online shop to see if she had made this photo into a card. There was a version which had been censored to say "mess with we" which just isn't as funny. And in that line of thinking I stumbled upon the be all and end all of all t'shirts. I love The Bloggess, and I need this shirt.  Her site won't let me save the image and post it here. So go look at it!  It's totally me, yes? I keep saying if I drop enough F-bombs, the English language will gradually evolve to the point where it is no longer a bad word. It's my goal in life.

Have a job interview tomorrow, peeps. So, that's a good thing. My throat is on the mend, my temp is normal. I'll be able to speak coherently.

Now I just need my Dobbie the house elf keychain to incarnate and clean up the mess that has materialized during my fevered stupor. You know what sweethearts? You can probably guess.....It's All Red, and I'm loving it.

In Grace,

Kell

In the journey....

Hey peeps! Guess what? The sky did not fall. Although the amount of rain we're getting seems to indicate it's trying to.

I keep doing that exercising for the sake of endorphins thing. Probably not as much as i should. But I figure every little bit helps. OMG, found a new herb that lifts the gray clouds every single time exactly like the first time I took a Zoloft a few years ago. Holy Basil - try it my dears. Get the gelcaps, they're more powerful than the capsules of dried up leaves. Anyway, just wanted to let you know acknowledging I'm depressed doesn't mean I'm staying in that dark place. Actually have been there a lot less since I fessed up about it.

Been staying at my lovely Aunt M's lovely house in lovely Newberg quite a bit lately - cause being at "home" is just, well, depressing. Got a new routine going where I get the kids out the door to school, spend a couple of hours playing maid at the house, then go to her peaceful, quiet and exquisitely decorated living room that smells like a hundred Scentsy pots heating "flower shop" at full blast. That's where I dig into the job of finding a job. It's a lot easier there than amidst the ghosts and angst monsters that grab me by the throat at the ol' homestead.

Having survived a weekend of personal attack against my right to happy, I'm now coming off a rather pleasant one that involved lots of fun people and places. It's not exactly over yet either - Deva Kate volunteered to hear "my side of the story" over coffee today. And later the irrepressible Deva Kelli will try hard not to say I told you so over a vodka collins (me) and a piece of cheesecake (her). My goal is to laugh my way through both of these girlfriend sessions. I have decided that the beauty of a roller coaster ride is that you know the down times are temporary and always followed by a time of peace. A friend recently reminded me that the universe is generous and that scarcity only exists in my mind. So, what the hell, might as well start acting like it.

This Grace Storm keeps getting better and better. It's all Red sweethearts, never forget that.


Ha! Just clicked on my Divine Wink at the illustrious Sera Beak's website! I got my all time fave that I've gotten a million times...."You are what happens when all that is, and all that is not, Fuck."

In Grace, (and by that I mean sitting, rolling, playing in it, soaking it up like a sponge - like mud wrestling with angel wings)
Kell

There's always a Red lining.....

I'm back on blogger. LiveJournal was yucky. Boring. Black and White. I need the pretty pictures in the background. Their filters to keep certain people from seeing certain things only work if everyone in my whole universe signs up for an account. Lame.

Besides which today I'm saying Fuck It. If I say something which disturbs you, just understand that I am the same person I was before you heard me say it. That the person you loved contained these parts whether you knew it or not. I kind of want to say whatever I want and see if the sky falls.

I have talked so much about living life graciously, outrageously. Of finding joy and pleasure in all things, but more importantly of planning it in. There is a line on my website that says "Pleasure doesn't come to those who wait, it comes to those who plan it, organize it , and implement it." Pleasure is a power tool.

I have embraced the Law of Attraction ever since I fell in love with James Ray on The Secret. Today he's in prison because he let people sweat to death and I am not much further along on the road to absolute joy and fulfillment.  Why? Because I lack the drive, the discipline, the willpower, the consistency? Well, yes. I find moments, some that last for weeks and months, where I am outrageously happy. On the right path. Chugging along - the little Red Engine That Can.

I know the right things to do. I make vision boards and write desire statements. I do art and write erotic poetry and do EFT Tapping, and stop eating sugar and wheat, I exercise and take 20,000 iu's of Vitamin D every day.

But something always comes along and blows me off course. And it always feels like its something external. Like my kids ruining my carefully scheduled art time because they need to be driven somewhere. Or someone throws a birthday party and I eat cake. Or marriage as I know it falls apart and the whole world turns upside down. There is not enough money to buy groceries but I'm writing a $200 donation check to the baseball team because political rumor has it he won't make a team if we don't support their cause. There's a cyst in my lymph gland - the kind that turns out to be nothing but has me scared shitless for 3 1/2 hours on a Wednesday morning. Well sure those things are bound to set anyone back. Right?

But the thing is, I'm never surprised by the setback. It always feels like just part of normal. The frustration, the resentment, the guilt, the sense of there never being enough of anything including my self - that's my baseline, my (0,0) on the graph.

I desperately have to find a job. We are on the edge of bankruptcy. We don't want to lose the house. "We" includes me and my husband who is no longer my husband but my housemate.  I am so sick of telling my kids we can't afford it. I will never know who I truly am until I am financially self-sufficient. I sit and peruse listings on craiglist and monster. I look at the employment pages of every corporate website I can think of. I go to job fairs. But, 9 days out of 10 I can hardly move. My house is a mess. I am behind on everything. I am so stuck in the stuckness. I berate myself for not having that balance of male energy - that action oriented energy that moves forward no matter what. It's hard to move forward when I'm mostly just scrambling to catch up. People talk about hitting rock bottom as being the impetus that forces them upward. That scares me. It must mean I haven't hit the bottom yet.

I love The Bloggess. She is funny and irreverent. She does the most outrageous things. She is not afraid to say what she thinks. She has no filter. She is also clinically depressed and cuts herself. She recently posted a blog about this and it elicited such a response from the thousands who read her.

You know that commercial for Cymbalta where the cartoon woman is followed around through her day by the little cloud that looks like a gray piece of poo? It's a ridiculous analogy. Depression is not a little gray cloud with a sad apologetic smile on its face. It's a giant towering black storm that descends over your head and wraps you in an uncaring profound stillness. It isn't angry or sad or full of scary lightening and loud thunder. Its a dense gray fog that wipes away all your emotions and leaves you with nothing. You can see all there is to do and be but you can't do anything about it. Sometimes you get panicky over this. But you can't really do anything about that either. 

So I'm saying it out loud. And I don't care what you think. I don't care if you tell me to just get off my ass and cheer up. I don't care if you think I'm weak. Even if it makes you scared for me. I'm not gonna not say it just so you won't worry. I'm depressed. I deal with depression every day. I have for as long as I can remember. I struggle every day to keep moving forward. Well, not every moment of every day. You may catch me in a split second of bliss or a moment of joy or 4 1/2 minutes of peace and calm or 2 hours of happy.

Those good moments prove to me that James Ray was right about a lot. That Mama Gena is a genius. That EFT Tapping and Flowdreaming aren't just new age bullshit. That Vision Boards and Desire Statements and lists of dreams and intentions are good things. They help me float. They keep me moving forward even when its so dark I can't see where my foot is gonna land.

What's the point of saying it out loud? Because its pointless to talk about the journey and the tools and where you want to go if you don't name where it is you're starting from. Because if I hadn't known the darkness, I couldn't love the light. Because acknowledging you're sick is the first step on the road to recovery.  Because it's not something I should feel guilty about. Because saying it doesn't mean She is not Goddess, and I am not part of Her. But mostly, because I know you're out there and you needed someone else to say it first.

Because I feel lighter already. And because even the gray clouds are Red.

In Grace,

Kell

P.S. In response to The Bloggess' depression entry, Masala Skeptic set up an open blog called The Silver Ribbon Stories.  I will be posting great chunks of this entry there. Should you need to, please feel free to tell your story there as well.

Moving time...

It's moving time peeps! I have loved it here at Blogger. I adore all the beautiful pictures I can put behind my posts but what I don't love is that there are no filter settings here and anything I say can, will and has been used against me by the people I didn't think were going to see it.

So I'm moving over to LiveJournal, where mostly everything will be public just like it has been. But, if you want to keep closer tabs on the Deva and what is actually going on behind the scenes and between the vague and veiled lines, you can create an account, become my friend and get the whole scoop. That blog is called It's All Red and the public page can be found here.

Life happens in the transitions...so here we go!

In Grace,

Kell