Today did not feel very Deva. It was frustrating. I felt pulled in a million different directions and like whatever I ended up doing I didn't do well. Like I TRIED really hard, but that's all I ended up doing....trying really hard.
Mondays are usually my favorite day of the week, which I planned on purpose because well, it feels absolutely divine to buck the trend on that particular stereotype. But, usually my Graceful Deva "work day" involves a couple hours of actual day job work, and then time committed to fun work like organizing my website content (still in the works, but coming soon!), working on creative projects, practicing artplay like drawing and painting, or putting together the space in the garage where my dad is going to build me a workbench. A day devoted to the administrative side of living on purpose.
But, today my kids didn't have school. I don't even know how to describe my frustration with this day without sounding like the biggest mommy bitch ever , but today those wonderful, beautiful boys that are and always will be the best thing that ever happened to me, STOMPED ALL OVER MY GROOVE!
If I needed the computer, they were already on it. If I picked up a paint brush and start working on a friend's birthday present (which is months late already), they instantly needed something to eat. When I was ready to walk out the door to the gym, they couldn't find their shoes....for a 1/2 hour. If and when I actually settled in and started doing something, within 5 minutes they were hovering - reading over my shoulder, or wanting to be entertained or needing something.
I think I spent most of the day telling myself to breathe, begging for divine guidance, and knowing that I was not being a very good Deva. A very good Deva wouldn't feel so frustrated. A good Deva would have organized her day better. An extremely good Deva would have been able to juggle the work and the extra time with her kids as the joyous occasion it was supposed to be. I walked around the whole day with a giant ball of anxiety in my throat and chest - and all the while kept realizing that I am the one who spent the past 13 years creating the family culture in which this behavior is normal. I have raised children who need me possibly a little too much (maybe I needed them to need me?) and I have trained them, and myself, to expect me to take care of everything.
So, it came as an enormous surprise to me that when I said goodnight to my 13 year old and apologized for what an awful day it was and how crazy I acted and how frustrated I was with everything, he shook his head and said "Oh, I didn't notice." Now, maybe he's just being a 13 year old guy and anyone else with a marginally more developed intuition would have noticed that something was up with me. But, it was absolutely stunning that I had spent the whole day barely avoiding a panic attack and his day had actually turned out perfectly fine.
A little later, I tried to describe to my husband what an awful day it was by recounting all the things I had not gotten done and kept having to backtrack because of all the things that kept coming up that I had gotten done. I started the day with a full hour of holosync meditation. I did 2 loads of dishes and 3 loads of laundry and scooped the kitty boxes twice. I went to the gym and sweated on an elliptical machine for 1/2 hour and still took the dog for a short walk later. I worked on the website for almost an hour and waded through 114 previously unread emails. The painting project for my friend is almost done now. I helped one son with his algebra homework and spent 45 minutes reading aloud to the younger one. I even drove to Best Buy for some hands on research for a computer I'm buying for my day job. Somewhere in there my legs got shaved, dinner got served and I did not eat any sugar!
Sometimes the most important lessons are learned in the midst of chaos, yes? My inner bully came out today and blasted my Self to smithereens for not being perfect yet. Its true that I could have handled certain situations better. Its absolutely true that many times today I forgot to reach out and accept the Grace that is always available. But, its also true that I handled it all 100 times better than I would have a year or two ago. And longer ago than that it wouldn't have occurred to me that dropping everything to fulfill the every whim of my whining children didn't feel good. So maybe the frustration is actually a sign of growth?
However I want to spin it, there will be other awful days like today. There will also be lovely ones where I'm organized and graceful and in the flow. But the point is, I am a work in progress. Having a long way to go does not negate how far I have come. Isn't it amazing that I have so many fears of letting other people down, of what they will think of me, of saying "I'm a Deva" and then failing to be divine in their eyes. And yet, "they" are not the ones I truly have to convince, are they?
Every thought, every action, every goal, every step along the way is a spiritual one. Even the shitty-est days can be the Reddest Day Ever.
In Grace,
Kell
The Graceful Deva
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