39 and holding......

Today is the first day of my 40th year in time and space (this time). Thinking back to when I was little, I never could have comprehended a birthday when I turn 39. Even better, I never would have imagined that I look forward to this year more than any other before, that I feel more alive than I ever have, more magical, more connected to the All That Is.

Although I look forward to turning 40 next year, there's something about being 39 that just seems really special and kick-ass. Like the old cliche of a woman staying this age forever might be true. When I turn 60, 70, 80, 120, I hope I still feel like I feel today.

I've been thinking about numbers today and reviewing my numerology book by Glynis McCants. 39 is a 3 year, which coincidentally is what the calendar of 2010 also is so that's kinda cool. Three is very social and loves to be the center of attention, loves to entertain - threes are comics, musicians, actors, artists, writers - so I love the idea that this year I can really throw myself into practicing some of those talents and having the experience really resonate with where I am in time.

Another thing I noticed when reviewing my chart is that my birthday number is a 5. (Well, duh!) But birthday numbers represent what others see in us upon first impression, and oddly enough, the number 5 symbolizes adventure, excitement, a kaleidoscope of experiences.  The fact that I have a 5 anywhere in my chart tells me that being an adventurer is something I have missed out on, something I would have enjoyed all along, and no wonder I think its important now.

I always think of my birthday as a New Year's Day of sorts and like to reset my intentions and visualizations for the coming year. It's fun to think about where I might be on April 5 2011 and what I will have experienced and accomplished between now and then.  One of my calendar year intentions was to "honor my truth" more. I love that saying - can't remember who said it - that goes "I would rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not."

One of the things I've perused today is how this blog is giving me the opportunity to face the fears that accompany that intention as more people are beginning to look at and take an interest in it.  When I first started writing, I imagined being transparent in front of strangers or people I hadn't seen since high school 20 years ago.  It's harder to be transparent in front of the people who have known me my whole life and who have an investment in who I was 5, 10, 25 years ago. If someone I don't know doesn't like something I say, they can just not read for a while or simply discount that particular piece of information. But, the people who are stuck with me, and I with them, may not be able to just brush past things they think I should not be saying or thinking.  The fear is that I have changed so much that complete transparency would permanently alter those relationships. That they would become not about the relationship itself, but about how I have changed and how I need to be "fixed."

But, I realize the opposite is not true. I don't judge those who I am now different from for being different from me. I simply want them to be as happy and self-realized as they can possibly be where they are at right now. I'm also having an aha! moment of remembering what so many of the self-empowerment authors I've read have said - I know being totally transparent here is what I'm supposed to do by the very fact that it terrifies me.  Funny how acknowledging that makes me feel a million better.

Here's my Red Velvet birthday cake, and me today with the gorgeous Deva flowers I bought for myself.

Today has been spent in inner adventures rather than outer ones - I'm honoring where I am in my Moon Cycle and not pushing the excitement envelope when my soul is saying "come inward, come inward!"


I have truly had the Reddest Birthday ever!

In Grace,

Kell