In the journey....

Hey peeps! Guess what? The sky did not fall. Although the amount of rain we're getting seems to indicate it's trying to.

I keep doing that exercising for the sake of endorphins thing. Probably not as much as i should. But I figure every little bit helps. OMG, found a new herb that lifts the gray clouds every single time exactly like the first time I took a Zoloft a few years ago. Holy Basil - try it my dears. Get the gelcaps, they're more powerful than the capsules of dried up leaves. Anyway, just wanted to let you know acknowledging I'm depressed doesn't mean I'm staying in that dark place. Actually have been there a lot less since I fessed up about it.

Been staying at my lovely Aunt M's lovely house in lovely Newberg quite a bit lately - cause being at "home" is just, well, depressing. Got a new routine going where I get the kids out the door to school, spend a couple of hours playing maid at the house, then go to her peaceful, quiet and exquisitely decorated living room that smells like a hundred Scentsy pots heating "flower shop" at full blast. That's where I dig into the job of finding a job. It's a lot easier there than amidst the ghosts and angst monsters that grab me by the throat at the ol' homestead.

Having survived a weekend of personal attack against my right to happy, I'm now coming off a rather pleasant one that involved lots of fun people and places. It's not exactly over yet either - Deva Kate volunteered to hear "my side of the story" over coffee today. And later the irrepressible Deva Kelli will try hard not to say I told you so over a vodka collins (me) and a piece of cheesecake (her). My goal is to laugh my way through both of these girlfriend sessions. I have decided that the beauty of a roller coaster ride is that you know the down times are temporary and always followed by a time of peace. A friend recently reminded me that the universe is generous and that scarcity only exists in my mind. So, what the hell, might as well start acting like it.

This Grace Storm keeps getting better and better. It's all Red sweethearts, never forget that.


Ha! Just clicked on my Divine Wink at the illustrious Sera Beak's website! I got my all time fave that I've gotten a million times...."You are what happens when all that is, and all that is not, Fuck."

In Grace, (and by that I mean sitting, rolling, playing in it, soaking it up like a sponge - like mud wrestling with angel wings)
Kell

There's always a Red lining.....

I'm back on blogger. LiveJournal was yucky. Boring. Black and White. I need the pretty pictures in the background. Their filters to keep certain people from seeing certain things only work if everyone in my whole universe signs up for an account. Lame.

Besides which today I'm saying Fuck It. If I say something which disturbs you, just understand that I am the same person I was before you heard me say it. That the person you loved contained these parts whether you knew it or not. I kind of want to say whatever I want and see if the sky falls.

I have talked so much about living life graciously, outrageously. Of finding joy and pleasure in all things, but more importantly of planning it in. There is a line on my website that says "Pleasure doesn't come to those who wait, it comes to those who plan it, organize it , and implement it." Pleasure is a power tool.

I have embraced the Law of Attraction ever since I fell in love with James Ray on The Secret. Today he's in prison because he let people sweat to death and I am not much further along on the road to absolute joy and fulfillment.  Why? Because I lack the drive, the discipline, the willpower, the consistency? Well, yes. I find moments, some that last for weeks and months, where I am outrageously happy. On the right path. Chugging along - the little Red Engine That Can.

I know the right things to do. I make vision boards and write desire statements. I do art and write erotic poetry and do EFT Tapping, and stop eating sugar and wheat, I exercise and take 20,000 iu's of Vitamin D every day.

But something always comes along and blows me off course. And it always feels like its something external. Like my kids ruining my carefully scheduled art time because they need to be driven somewhere. Or someone throws a birthday party and I eat cake. Or marriage as I know it falls apart and the whole world turns upside down. There is not enough money to buy groceries but I'm writing a $200 donation check to the baseball team because political rumor has it he won't make a team if we don't support their cause. There's a cyst in my lymph gland - the kind that turns out to be nothing but has me scared shitless for 3 1/2 hours on a Wednesday morning. Well sure those things are bound to set anyone back. Right?

But the thing is, I'm never surprised by the setback. It always feels like just part of normal. The frustration, the resentment, the guilt, the sense of there never being enough of anything including my self - that's my baseline, my (0,0) on the graph.

I desperately have to find a job. We are on the edge of bankruptcy. We don't want to lose the house. "We" includes me and my husband who is no longer my husband but my housemate.  I am so sick of telling my kids we can't afford it. I will never know who I truly am until I am financially self-sufficient. I sit and peruse listings on craiglist and monster. I look at the employment pages of every corporate website I can think of. I go to job fairs. But, 9 days out of 10 I can hardly move. My house is a mess. I am behind on everything. I am so stuck in the stuckness. I berate myself for not having that balance of male energy - that action oriented energy that moves forward no matter what. It's hard to move forward when I'm mostly just scrambling to catch up. People talk about hitting rock bottom as being the impetus that forces them upward. That scares me. It must mean I haven't hit the bottom yet.

I love The Bloggess. She is funny and irreverent. She does the most outrageous things. She is not afraid to say what she thinks. She has no filter. She is also clinically depressed and cuts herself. She recently posted a blog about this and it elicited such a response from the thousands who read her.

You know that commercial for Cymbalta where the cartoon woman is followed around through her day by the little cloud that looks like a gray piece of poo? It's a ridiculous analogy. Depression is not a little gray cloud with a sad apologetic smile on its face. It's a giant towering black storm that descends over your head and wraps you in an uncaring profound stillness. It isn't angry or sad or full of scary lightening and loud thunder. Its a dense gray fog that wipes away all your emotions and leaves you with nothing. You can see all there is to do and be but you can't do anything about it. Sometimes you get panicky over this. But you can't really do anything about that either. 

So I'm saying it out loud. And I don't care what you think. I don't care if you tell me to just get off my ass and cheer up. I don't care if you think I'm weak. Even if it makes you scared for me. I'm not gonna not say it just so you won't worry. I'm depressed. I deal with depression every day. I have for as long as I can remember. I struggle every day to keep moving forward. Well, not every moment of every day. You may catch me in a split second of bliss or a moment of joy or 4 1/2 minutes of peace and calm or 2 hours of happy.

Those good moments prove to me that James Ray was right about a lot. That Mama Gena is a genius. That EFT Tapping and Flowdreaming aren't just new age bullshit. That Vision Boards and Desire Statements and lists of dreams and intentions are good things. They help me float. They keep me moving forward even when its so dark I can't see where my foot is gonna land.

What's the point of saying it out loud? Because its pointless to talk about the journey and the tools and where you want to go if you don't name where it is you're starting from. Because if I hadn't known the darkness, I couldn't love the light. Because acknowledging you're sick is the first step on the road to recovery.  Because it's not something I should feel guilty about. Because saying it doesn't mean She is not Goddess, and I am not part of Her. But mostly, because I know you're out there and you needed someone else to say it first.

Because I feel lighter already. And because even the gray clouds are Red.

In Grace,

Kell

P.S. In response to The Bloggess' depression entry, Masala Skeptic set up an open blog called The Silver Ribbon Stories.  I will be posting great chunks of this entry there. Should you need to, please feel free to tell your story there as well.