Catching Up

Summer is over.....well, technically not until the 23rd, but the kids are both back in school which always gives the end of summer a sense of finality. Anyone who knows me knows I love the fall, so I don't watch the passing of summer with too much sadness or regret. Fall always feels like a time to come alive, start over, begin again. But, before I do that I feel a need to put a lid on the last couple of weeks and then set my intentions (today is a new moon - good time to do that) for the coming season.

When our friend Sara said goodbye after her week long stay (her vacation, our stay-cation) the theme we ended on is that there are so many fun things to do and its not only ridiculous, its unhealthy to wait until you have a guest or a week off work and then try to cram them all in at once. We did so many great local things that are available to me year round and its my job to use the resources I have to provide as much pleasure as possible every single day.

On August 29th I said goodbye to my beloved cat Spanky. This was my rotund gray and white fuzzy friend with the beautiful soft green eyes who had been with me for just over 15 years. It was time. As he aged I kept praying that when it was time for him to out-carnate that it would be easy. I don't know if I prayed this more for him or for me. A couple of months ago it seemed like the years just caught up with him in one fell swoop. He started losing weight, wheezing, having a hard time peeing and just generally not feeling good. His brilliant eyes started to dull and he would beg me to sit with him, pet him, hold him all the time. About a week before, I looked into his eyes and told him it was ok to go when he needed to. That we were both part of god and that though we couldn't comprehend this now, at some point we would and that as such, we would always be part of each other as well. Three days later I reneged a little, asking him if he could please do it when it was convenient for me. He complied. It was a late summer Sunday afternoon. He had spent the night under the raspberry canes - when I went to check on him, he was in the exact spot I'd left him the night before. His eyes were open and glazed over, his body was stiff, but his fur was still so soft and cuddly. I never in my whole life thought I would pick up a dead cat in my arms but I did - I held him and cried and told him how much I love him. We buried him right there in that spot. As we dug the hole, we had to excavate several large rocks which served as a monument of sorts after we had buried his body.

Spanky's passing seemed like a time marker for me. Like he was the last remaining vestige of the old me. (I don't count my husband and kids since they are growing changes humans as well.) He was my baby when I was so young, so naive, and so unsure of myself. He witnessed my evolution over the years, journeyed with me as I experimented with meditation, calling on a Mother goddess, and finding the power in pleasure.

I dreamed him a couple of nights later. He was his old self - fat, furry and purring contentedly in the arms of my new Love - Hades. They had finished their journey together and just as our eyes met, he sprang from the arms of the death warrior and landed on the grass - young, lithe and vibrant. He looked back at me one last time and said (did he really say it, or did I hear it in my head?) "No regrets." And in my dream I understood that it wasn't a statement of goodbye, it was a charge he was giving me. To live without regrets. As if he had witnessed me getting this far and now it was up to me to continue the journey.

So today on this "first" day of fall, when the kids are back in school and all is quiet, I am taking advantage of the new moon opportunity to reorganize as I take up the quest again. To valiantly, vigilantly, consistently pour as much pleasure into every day as possible. I've re-read and finished "Mama Gena's School of  Womanly Arts" again and understand anew how much responsibility and dedication must go into living life to the fullest. Its not something you can just say once. You have to re-purpose it again and again so that you don't get swallowed up in the ordinary.

I hope to return this blog to its original purpose which was to keep me accountable to anyone who'll listen about how I am doing this. Living pleasurably is my job and this is my report system. For those times when I want to wax long and philosophical, I'll turn to my website - which is live but not really ready yet - www.gracefuldeva.com - there will be a sign up for "newsletter" (that concept makes me laugh) where I'll let myself get a little longer winded.

The big yellow school bus just pulled up. Quiet time is over.....

Having the best day (and fall) ever!

In Grace,

Kell