I had one today. A little epiphany. As usual with my epiphanies, it was immediately followed by a huge sense of relief and a somewhat embarrassing "well, duh!" moment.
Here's my grand revelation: this is my life. It is the way it is. It's a lot different from the way it was 6 months ago. It's different than I ever thought it would turn out. There is a lot of chaos and uncertainty. I have a lot of regrets and shoulda, woulda, coulda's going on in the back of my head.
But, the bouts of anger and resentment, the panic at not knowing what's gonna happen next. The weirdness of telling people my story and the exhaustion at seeing the moral outrage on their faces. The feeling sorry for myself and the blaming others for my pain. That's not my life. That's my reaction to the circumstances of my life.
All I can do is start from where I'm at. Start living the life I'm in instead of reacting to it. Stop expecting the people who have repeatedly shown me who they are to start acting differently. Stop sharing the nitty gritty hilarious awful details with others just to get the shock value and the validation of my pity party.
Can't move forward if I keep wallowing in the muck. Just accept it and then paint it red.
So, I wrote all of that a couple of weeks ago. Didn't seem like it was quite finished so I hadn't posted it. The next day my mom let loose with everything I had ever done to hurt or disappoint her. All of the upheaval in my personal life was wreaking havoc in hers and I hadn't adequately noticed and supported her. Big sigh....take a number. There are too many people in the emotional abuse line right now. I have too much other shit to deal with.
Somehow the breakup (on Facebook no less!) with my mom pushed me even further into that space of accepting where I'm at and just going with it. I'm still in that mode of moving forward at a snail's pace. I told Kelli the other day that people keep asking me about the progress in my life and I always feel like I have such lame answers. Feels like a lot is happening on the inside though.....
Am officially planning my birthday month. Want to do something fabulously amazing every day. This is practice for Mama Gena style ultra self-care. Pleasure is a power tool and I could use a little more power these days.
Am sitting this morning on the comfy leather couch at Blackbird Coffee Company. I use to come here all the time and work when we first moved here. I met Kelli here, threw together my website here. The baristas here have heard my whole soap opera story from start to finish simply because Kelli and I don't have much in the way of volume filters. Haven't been here in a while and it kinda feels like coming home.
