I'm sitting out here on my back deck - the very same deck where I've been experimenting with extreme sunbathing - the evening is cool, my ancient water fountain is gurgling and the bamboo wind chime my dad made last year is softly clickity-clacking. I'm sipping iced Crown Chakra tea from ShamanShack and smelling the sweet Basil and lavender in the pots next to my table. Somewhere nearby someone is practicing the electric blues guitar. Incredibly idyllic, perfectly peaceful.
I am so antsy and bored I can hardly stand to be with myself.
I had another realization this week - not a big huge earth shattering one, but a little soul nagging one. I have lived here in the new town for 8 months, I'm settled in, I'm happy. I have all the time in the world and I'm truly living in ways that I had previously longed for. I feel myself growing on the inside almost as fast as I can see my 13 year old son growing on the outside.
Here's the BUT (and its not a but that has been residing underneath all along, its a but that I seem to be emerging into), I am so freaking lonely. I don't know anyone here. I sit and chit chat with other baseball parents at games and I wave at my friendly neighbor when she drives by. But, I spend more time with my son's friends than I do their parents. I make a point to try to stay in touch with old friends back in the valley, but here in the metro I have up to this point concentrated on me. I don't regret this. I think its been good, what I need. But, I'm kind of waking up to the fact that part of having experiences is sharing them - and sometimes I'm braver about having the experiences if there's someone else pushing, pulling or egging me on.
So here I sit on a Friday night. All is serene, quiet and sweet. I can absolutely appreciate that and revel in it and know that it is what I wanted. It has not been in my family's culture to party or entertain or otherwise do anything very interesting on Friday nights and now I'm wishing it was. It's not even a matter of being brave enough to try something new - the concept is so foreign to me that I don't even know how to start.
I feel I have dipped my toe into this whole seeking out pleasure business and now here is a whole component that I hadn't counted on finding missing. I need people. I need social-ness.
I'm happy to say though that I'm not sitting here feeling sorry for myself. It's more like I'm sitting off to the side looking at my emotions and going, "well, that's interesting, I didn't see that one coming." I've always thought of me as so self-contained. Not so much.
Anyway, I can tell this is one of those nudges that should be acted upon, but am not sure how. Lean into it. Ask for Grace. Say, "okay I'm ready." The nudges never come without the accompanying what, where, when, why and hows - even if I can't see them at first. Be in love with the idea that this is Red also.
In Grace,
Kell
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