Friday night blahs......

I'm sitting out here on my back deck - the very same deck where I've been experimenting with extreme sunbathing - the evening is cool, my ancient water fountain is gurgling and the bamboo wind chime my dad made last year is softly clickity-clacking. I'm sipping iced Crown Chakra tea from ShamanShack and smelling the sweet Basil and lavender in the pots next to my table. Somewhere nearby someone is practicing the electric blues guitar. Incredibly idyllic, perfectly peaceful.

I am so antsy and bored I can hardly stand to be with myself.

I had another realization this week - not a big huge earth shattering one, but a little soul nagging one. I have lived here in the new town for 8 months, I'm settled in, I'm happy. I have all the time in the world and I'm truly living in ways that I had previously longed for. I feel myself growing on the inside almost as fast as I can see my 13 year old son growing on the outside.

Here's the BUT (and its not a but that has been residing underneath all along, its a but that I seem to be emerging into), I am so freaking lonely. I don't know anyone here. I sit and chit chat with other baseball parents at games and I wave at my friendly neighbor when she drives by. But, I spend more time with my son's friends than I do their parents. I make a point to try to stay in touch with old friends back in the valley, but here in the metro I have up to this point concentrated on me. I don't regret this. I think its been good, what I need. But, I'm kind of waking up to the fact that part of having experiences is sharing them - and sometimes I'm braver about having the experiences if there's someone else pushing, pulling or egging me on.

So here I sit on a Friday night. All is serene, quiet and sweet. I can absolutely appreciate that and revel in it and know that it is what I wanted. It has not been in my family's culture to party or entertain or otherwise do anything very interesting on Friday nights and now I'm wishing it was. It's not even a matter of being brave enough to try something new - the concept is so foreign to me that I don't even know how to start.

I feel I have dipped my toe into this whole seeking out pleasure business and now here is a whole component that I hadn't counted on finding missing. I need people. I need social-ness.

I'm happy to say though that I'm not sitting here feeling sorry for myself. It's more like I'm sitting off to the side looking at my emotions and going, "well, that's interesting, I didn't see that one coming." I've always thought of me as so self-contained. Not so much.

Anyway, I can tell this is one of those nudges that should be acted upon, but am not sure how. Lean into it. Ask for Grace. Say, "okay I'm ready." The nudges never come without the accompanying what, where, when, why and hows - even if I can't see them at first. Be in love with the idea that this is Red also.

In Grace,

Kell

Deva Weekend

It’s the Monday after the best weekend I’ve had in a while. All three of the men in my life packed up and left for Grandma’s on Friday morning and I was single until Sunday evening.
I practiced a lot of doing as well as being. Both felt really good.

I read for hours. I went to see Eclipse at the theater all by myself. I played in the garden. I completely organized the tools in my my new work area in the garage. Then, I decorated that area so it looks like a Deva works there, not a gray haired man with a tool belt. I moved my entire “altar” out to that space. (It had been in a room of the house I hardly ever go in because its full of boy stuff.)

I draped towels and blankets over all the railings on the back deck and laid in the sun naked. (Some pilot in a low-flying small aircraft got a show, but nothing I could do about that.) A girlfriend took me to Wilf’s where I sat in a high-backed red chair and listened to an amazing Sinatra singer and remembered that I like Jazz. We had Bananas Foster and learned that dessert is not always about chocolate. I got out the watercolor paints from an art class I took ages ago and played with them. I worked on the 2 antique wooden ironing boards that I’m going to make pretty and hang in my living room. Besides the drink and dessert on Friday, I ate completely green, raw and whole.

Basically, I remembered what it was like to be just me and did as many of the things I like to do without traveling too far or spending too much money.

It was the Reddest weekend ever.

In Grace,

Kell

Do What's in Front of You

I think I have lived great chunks of my life stressing over what I was not doing. I'm not working out, I'm not meditating, I'm not cleaning my house, I'm not spending quality time with the right people, I'm not journaling, I'm not dancing, I'm not keeping in touch with friends, I'm not gardening, I'm not painting.....

This week I'm having one of those times where the universe puts the same issue in front of me over and over again. I've listened to some interviews, read some blogs, quotes and articles, talked with my mom and sister and some other baseball moms and the message has been the same.

As a "spiritual" person I think its important to integrate daily practices of meditation, journaling, affirmations, guided visualizations, etc. As a "health-conscious" person I think its important to always eat the best quality, closest-to-nature foods possible - every single time. As an "artsy" person I think its important to practice your craft as often as possible - mainly for the sheer love it, because it makes you feel good. As a "good mom", its important to spend quality, close-up personal time with my kids. As a Deva, I know its important to fit in fun as often as possible.

But, you know, more often than not, shit happens. And quite frankly, its almost impossible to fit in all of the above into a single 16 hour day. There's logistically just not enough time.  So, while I'm doing dishes I'm stressing that I'm not working on the website. While I'm sitting in the sun at a baseball game I'm stressing that I'm not picking the strawberries in the backyard. When I'm driving to work I'm worrying that I didn't get up early enough to meditate and exercise before starting the day.

"Living in the moment" is a huge catch phrase these days. "Being present" is another one. But that has just become another thing that needs to be done, something else to stress about that I'm not doing. I think I'm finally starting to get it. Being in the present moment doesn't just mean that I create perfect moments by consciously fitting in all the things I'm supposed to do. It also means allowing space for the moments that are "imperfect." This is not just about forgiving myself for watching a movie instead of working out or not getting up early enough to meditate. It's about those transition moments when you're getting ready to pick the strawberries or work on the website but you have to make your kid a peanut butter sandwich first. Its about having to stop in the middle of art project because you've stepped in cat barf on the carpet. Its about being at the baseball field for 6 hours on the first sunny Saturday of the year and there is a ton of gardening to do.

On top of that, its not just about allowing for the imperfect. It's about accepting the perfection in the imperfect. Thorn bushes have roses. God and beauty and health and love and joy are not just in the "good things" - they're in every thing. And living out loud in every moment means trusting that every moment is exactly as it should be. Stress, anxiety and worry demonstrate a complete lack of faith. Cat barf is spiritual. God is in the peanut butter. And crispy red skin from 6 hours at the ball field is beautiful.

I still believe in conscious pleasure. I still know that writing it in red on my calendar highly increases the likelihood of it actually happening. And sometimes you have to so "No!" to the craziness to create space for Peace. But great joy also comes from leaning into the crap. From not seeing the distractions as something that take you away from God, but actually portals you into Her presence. It's all Red.

Do what's in front of you. You know its what you're supposed to be doing, quite frankly simply because its happening.  There's a lot of Grace in that.

Have the Reddest Day Ever!

In Grace,

Kell

Summer Solstice

"Glory of the Day-Star, hail!
Lifter of the Light, Burnisher of the Sky,
Gifts of love to earth are bringing,
Summer's shimmer, dew's delight.
Dancing be the heart within us,
Open be our souls to bliss,
Courage vanquish every shadow,
Greet midsummer with a kiss."

     - Caitlin Matthews

Deva Weekend

This weekend my family participated in a regional Relay for Life Event. The whole weekend was like a continuous series of those precious wow moments where the universe seems to stop spinning for a nanosecond and you realize that you're really happy, proud, excited, exactly where you're suppose to be.

There was, of course, just the head knowledge of knowing you were doing something for a good cause. There was the sense of community with the 840 strangers who were all there doing the same thing. There was the closer sense of family with my team - many were family, many I didn't know at all. There was the just plain girliness of spending an entire 24 hours in wings, boa, tiara and blue dreadlocks (I decided to forgo the red in order to fulfill a childhood love affair with the blue fairy from Pinnochio) The thrill of winning the silent auction bids on the Demarini bats for my kids. Getting to see friends from High School I hadn't seen in 20 + years (love ya Becca and Tara)  My favorite time was the 4 a.m. hour I walked by myself - with every corner rounded the sky grew lighter - Venus kept me company the whole time - in my sleep deprived state I was in love with the world, in love with my self, and so happy to be a Deva.

Here are my boys, Friar Tuck and the Court Jester under my award winning castle archway!

In honor of Aunt Mary, My Dad, Jeanne N., Aunt Kay and Colin - all cancer survivors.

Thats $600 worth of baseball bats that we got for $115 on the silent auction. I almost had a heart attack stalking another bidder and counting down the final seconds. Bailey said he thought he was going to be sick.

It takes a real Deva to leave her Tiara and boa on all night. I know I look like hell - its about 2 a.m. here.

Next year I'm forming a Deva team. Who's comin'?

Have the Reddest Day Ever!

In Grace,

Kell

Different trains, parallel tracks

I've had a couple of deep oxytocin breaths lately. (Where you breathe deeply and let it out with an audible "hhmmmm....  This actually releases oxytocin into the blood stream - and that, ladies, is your feel-good power hormone. It's an instant de-stress, get happier anywhere tool in your pleasure toolbox.  It's funny, they work both ways...if you're cranky, stressed or frustrated, a couple of deep oxytocin breaths can turn your world around, but they also seem to arise spontaneously when you are feeling peaceful, powerful and in love with the world. That's the kind I've had recently.

In some recent study of working women about their life priorities, most women placed time with their girlfriends way down on the list, about 5th or 6th - behind obvious things like work, house cleaning, kids, etc. Know where I think it should be? #2 - right behind our own personal self-care and me-time. Why? Because women are relational beings, we organize our lives relationally - a woman balancing career, kids, marriage, etc. cannot be the best mom, wife, girlfriend, boss, employee, etc. if she is not experiencing face time with similar like-minded relational beings.  Being with girlfriends is as big a decompressor as taking time to be utterly alone, and sometimes works faster! And Devas cannot serve the greater good if they are "compressed."

I've recently had wonderful opportunities to reconnect with a couple of old friends and can testify to how friend time makes you a better mom and wife. And produces absolutely blissful, spontaneous oxytocin breaths!

The main thing I've gotten out of reconnecting to a couple of friends I haven't seen in a while is that I'm not out here alone. Over the course of my spiritual journey there have been times when it really felt like I'm doing all the research, all the homework, all the soulwork totally in a vacuum and discovering what feels right only by trial and error.

The absolutely mind blowing realization I've had is that these 2 totally different friends, who don't know each other, have completely different lives and interests and are going through different periods of chaos and growth have one thing in common with each other and with me. We're all on the exact same journey. The EXACT SAME FREAKIN' JOURNEY!  We've gone through totally different things, had different types of experiences, different high highs and low lows and through Grace found our way to clarity and have ended up in almost the exact same space spiritually. Different trains....parallel tracks.

The awe and wonder of this brings tears of joy to my eyes and at the same time makes me wonder if we had shared our journeys more would they have been easier? Quicker? If nothing else, we would have felt more supported and less alone. A sense of community might have made the lows a little less low and the highs that much higher.

So the power tool in my Pleasure tool box for a while is going to be friendships, playdates, and shared oxytocin breaths. I encourage you to do the same - especially if you have daughters who need to know that women need other women. For that matter, especially if you have sons who need to know that women need other women. Especially if you yourself have forgotten and need to be reminded that women need other women. Reaching out for the first time in a long time, or when you're new to an area, or when you're not really sure what you're looking for in a girlfriend, can be daunting. I know, believe me. The very fact that this is scary tells me I need to do it. (And for Goddess-sake, its just lunch, you don't have to marry her!)

Have the Reddest Day Ever - and share it with a friend!

In Grace,

Kell

So, why all the Red?

This post is for beautiful Deva Kate who thinks she will never have a "sexy" Facebook picture because she smiles with her whole body. What's not sexy about that? Katie could give us all a lesson in being hot from the inside out.

But, the question is Why All the Red? Why should we have the Reddest Day Ever, why not green or blue or purple? The truth is that if green makes your cells sing, if blue makes you feel hotter than hot, or purple makes you feel like you're in the lap of Goddess herself then by all means, have the Greenest, Bluest, Purplest Day Ever!

But, for me it has always been Red. I have this memory from maybe the 2nd or 3rd grade, when the most important social question among friends was "What's your favorite color?" - I would always say Red. One time a friend rolled her eyes and informed me that red was so last year, that everyone always said red and that I should be more original. I probably caved and that was the beginning of a lavender stage that lasted through puberty, but deep down I knew that Red was where it was at.

In college, when I started wearing clothes that I liked instead of what everyone else was wearing, I noticed that my closet had more red in it than any other color. After seeing Steel Magnolias, I started saying that Red was my "Signature Color." Did I read anything spiritual into it? No. I just knew that when I wore Red I got compliments, that it brought out the blue of my eyes and made me feel good.

It wasn't until I truly met God and started calling her Mother that I began to read something more into the color. For one, Red has pretty blatantly naughty connotations in our culture. The devil is portrayed in Red, the sexual temptress wears Red (that infamous letter wasn't Scarlet for no reason). As I began delving into the Goddess cultures of the globe, I found that wherever She survived, she was often Red. Especially in India, Africa.,Asia and ancient Mesopotamia. Think of the blood red sun on the Japanese flag - the sun Goddess Amaterasu.

In the Chakra system of Chinese medicine, the first or base Chakra is Red. This chakra represents where we come from, who we think of ourselves as, what we believe about ourselves. It is our base, our foundation. Imbalances in the first chakra can come from experiences in our childhood, beliefs instilled by our original families, and even belief systems passed down by generations through a collective consciousness. If your Red chakra is out of whack, chances are a couple others are too and its easier to deal with the orange or blue if you've balanced out the Red first.

When we think of Mother Earth we think of green for the plants or blue for the waters or brown for the soils. But, Mother Nature is a playful vixen and one of her favorite accent colors is Red. Some of the most profoundly beautiful, awe inspiring sights in nature - like a deciduous forest in October, or a garden full of love colored roses, or a sunset over the Pacific, or the indescribable majesty of America's deserts - are Red. I think She throws it in for the sheer joy of it. For the simple deliciousness of a wonderful surprise.

As a human being, the very stuff of my cells is Red. Can you imagine bleeding any other color? As a woman, that time of every month when my spirit calls me inward and, if I remember to listen, I hear Her voice more clearly, is marked by Red. (That time that has been shamed, made dirty and disgusting - that we are taught to revile - that is our "curse" - that because we have stuffed our emotions and intuition for so long becomes uncomfortable, painful and messy. That in reality represent our true power and essence, demonstrating physically what we have always been spiritually, i.e. unstoppable creators.)

Red, to me, is the most feminine of all colors. There is some irony in the fact that we dress our little girls in pink - watering down their essence, their gorgeousness into an acceptable, quiet, sweet, washed out version of themselves. Red is unorthodox, passionate, playful, ferocious, healthy, sexy, devious, and in western cultures, heretical. It is grace-full and fire-full, joy-full, and peace-full. It is both a vibrant shout and a whisper in the silent darkness.

It is Love-Full.

Stop for a moment and feel your fierce Red woman's heart beating, feel your essence coming from the deep Redness of your womb-space - now declare and intend that today, and tomorrow and every day after, will to the best of your ability be......

The Reddest Day Ever!

In Grace,

Kell