3,894 Days Later

 It has been 10 years, 7 months, and 26 days since I posted on this blog. 

I am not the same person I was then. And yet, I am still Her. 

I have updated my name, logo, profile, etc. It all links to a new website and identity, both of which are under construction.

My intention is pick up as if I have been writing all along. There have been so many iterations of Self, so much growth, so much struggle, so much magick. I could not possibly attempt to catch up here, it would do a disservice to evolution and growth to water it down into a concise paragraph or two. 

Believe me, there has been a lot of Red. There is still always enough Grace. 

So read the past if you so desire. I did. It was illuminating to see how much I have changed and how much I have not. 

I am building a business. I don't know what the hell I'm doing. I am not yet selling anything. But, at some point I will be. And blogs attached to businesses can seem disingenuine and markety. I hope I never stop putting my bloody red heart on the page, but there will be times when I blatantly link to something I will financially gain from. Follow along or don't. But you've been warned. 

Like the goddess of Death and Spring, whose name I have taken as my own, I am in love with both the darkness and the light. I have not magically created a life where all is perfect. Oh well. Neither have you. Grace is still Red, and so are all the other bits. I am still Deva, endeavoring always to serve and be served, to create and love and grow. Its a roller coaster ride. Hell and heaven in one swallow. 

In Health, In Grace, In All That Is Red,

Percy

Little Epiphanies....

I had one today. A little epiphany. As usual with my epiphanies, it was immediately followed by a huge sense of relief and a somewhat embarrassing "well, duh!" moment.

Here's my grand revelation: this is my life. It is the way it is. It's a lot different from the way it was 6 months ago. It's different than I ever thought it would turn out. There is a lot of chaos and uncertainty. I have a lot of regrets and shoulda, woulda, coulda's going on in the back of my head.

But, the bouts of anger and resentment, the panic at not knowing what's gonna happen next. The weirdness of telling people my story and the exhaustion at seeing the moral outrage on their faces. The feeling sorry for myself and the blaming others for my pain. That's not my life. That's my reaction to the circumstances of my life.

All I can do is start from where I'm at. Start living the life I'm in instead of reacting to it. Stop expecting the people who have repeatedly shown me who they are to start acting differently. Stop sharing the nitty gritty hilarious awful details with others just to get the shock value and the validation of my pity party.

Can't move forward if I keep wallowing in the muck. Just accept it and then paint it red.

So, I wrote all of that a couple of weeks ago. Didn't seem like it was quite finished so I hadn't posted it. The next day my mom let loose with everything I had ever done to hurt or disappoint her. All of the upheaval in my personal life was wreaking havoc in hers and I hadn't adequately noticed and supported her. Big sigh....take a number. There are too many people in the emotional abuse line right now. I have too much other shit to deal with.

Somehow the breakup (on Facebook no less!) with my mom pushed me even further into that space of accepting where I'm at and just going with it. I'm still in that mode of moving forward at a snail's pace. I told Kelli the other day that people keep asking me about the progress in my life and I always feel like I have such lame answers. Feels like a lot is happening on the inside though.....

Am officially planning my birthday month. Want to do something fabulously amazing every day. This is practice for Mama Gena style ultra self-care. Pleasure is a power tool and I could use a little more power these days.

Am sitting this morning on the comfy leather couch at Blackbird Coffee Company. I use to come here all the time and work when we first moved here. I met Kelli here, threw together my website here. The baristas here have heard my whole soap opera story from start to finish simply because Kelli and I don't have much in the way of volume filters. Haven't been here in a while and it kinda feels like coming home.

Joy Riding with the Little Birdies

Being angry sucks. Not going to do it anymore. Am just going to be happy whether certain people like it or not. Am giving the crazy back to the crazy makers.
If you wanna come along for my joy ride then welcome. If you're going to try and manipulate me into doing something you want me to do on the condition that if I don't you won't join me on the joy ride, well fine. This joy ride continues whether you're on board or not. And if you throw a temper tantrum and complain that you're not having a joy ride, I WILL WALK AWAY FROM YOU.
That's not a threat, it's me establishing a boundary. It's me saying the joy ride is more important than whether you're on board or not.

Here's a few happy moments on my joy ride:

Ummm.....Therapy does not suck. Dar Williams was right. 

Went to The Elsinore Theater with one of my favorite people in the world and saw The Birds. So....Alfred Hitchcock was a pretty cool guy. I remember my mom talking about this movie when I was little but hadn't ever seen it. So, funny that it was more suspenseful than scary. I kept waiting for something really gory to happen and it never did.

Tonight is Zumba night with Rana and Kim!!! Had to miss last week and it was a bummer.

Tomorrow I get to start helping Kelli paint bedrooms in her house! I know this does not seem like a cause for celebration but painting walls is one of my favoritest things to do in all the world. I'm betting there won't be any Red walls involved. But, it's her house not mine.

Already thinking about my 41st birthday. May just have to make a month of it. Can't believe its been a whole year since I had my big 40 shindig and kinda officially became The Deva. And then the whole ensuing realization that Grace so often comes in the form of a shit storm and that often times the Mother Goddess shows up as fiery, bloody Kali who spends 6 months lovingly cleaving all that which no longer serves away from your battered and bruised life. Can't complain....I'm the one who called her out.

Ooohhh Ooohhh Ooohhh have I mentioned the nerdy red librarian glasses?!!! This news is a little old, but oh my goddess I love them!

My Divine Wink for the day "You have the power to make angels swoon." Oh yes. You have no idea. They swoon over me all the time. Sometimes I join them.

Ok sweethearts - it's either a joy ride or it's ....... NOT. Guess who gets to choose? My joy ride is Red, but lately there's been a lot of Mediterranean blues and greens thrown in just for fun. And little birds; the little birds have been calling to me lately....check out my Pinterest board of birdies.  These are not the scary kind from the movie.

Start your joy ride ride right now.....ready set go!

In Grace, (Which according to Mumford & Sons, is all about burning bridges. Uumm...I think I've done a little of that lately.)

Kell

Sore throat, tequila shots, bbq sauce...and stuffed weasels?

Coming off of a couple days of sore throat and that creepy kind of fever that comes and goes. One minute you're freezing and feeling like you've been hit by a truck, the next you're sweating and feeling like you Zumba'd for 3 hours. All the while you can't swallow, talk or breathe without crying....

But, I seem to have turned the corner - have been gargling Thieves for a couple of days now and it seems to have done the trick.

My mama, and her twin brother, turned 65 this week. Huge family party at a grange hall in Albany. Have to say it felt good to be there minus J. (Sorry if you read this, it's true.) We've had a conversation about how over the years I've never been able to dance at parties in front of him. Like it was this version of me he didn't know and I wasn't suppose to be. I know now that this hugely disappoints him and was largely based on bad communication and out-of-whack expectations. Still, this was a rock-n-roll party. My mom and her sister, Auntie M, are Dancing Fools and the whole point was to dance. So, I did. Probably looked like a walrus flopping around on the beach a few times, but seriously, who gives a shit?

There were three really cool moments at that party....this is one. That's my second cousin, the illustrious Deva Lucy, also a certified Dancing Fool. And those are my 3 inch heels. She is my idol.

The 2nd moment happened when over the PA system came blasting the 1980's dance party classic - Gloria Estefan's "Conga." I'm pretty sure it was Auntie M who snuck this into the mix of 50's and 60's stuff. Now, the back story is that I use to love Gloria. Back when I just liked what I liked and didn't know that there was good music and bad music and that a level of snobbery existed about an artist's ability to play or write and that songs were not suppose to just be for fun, they had to be intellectual as well. (I am eternally grateful for the lessons gained and music appreciated which I never would have been introduced to if I hadn't been married to a music geek for 17 years.) But, somewhere along the way, I gave up Gloria. Because she was not intelligent enough. Because she doesn't play an instrument. Because music snobs don't like dance/pop icons. But, guess what? The music geek wasn't at this party rolling his eyes and gritting his teeth. So I danced like it was 1985 even though it was just Auntie M and I on the dance floor. And then this magic thing happened. All of my beautiful girl cousins heard that song and came running to dance to it. And we did that girls in a circle dancing thing. And not only was it high school all over again, but there was that wild, witchy knowledge in the back of my head that whispered "powerful things happen when women dance in circles, sweetheart." You know that feeling when your soul cries for sheer joy? That's what it was.

So, the 3rd moment happened a little later in the evening. The party was winding down, hardly anyone was dancing and my mom and I just couldn't get our mojo going. Notice to anyone who ever rents a grange hall: they don't let you have alcohol in their building. Well, some folks had been indulging in the parking lot and I told mom that the alcohol was being wasted on people who weren't dancing. So, she took me out to her car and got out the coffee decanter she had filled with tequila. My mama snuck booze to her own birthday party! My mom, the card carrying evangelical, fundamentalist, conservative, Jesus-loving prude who cringes when her grandsons say "ass" or "pissed," who thinks normal people don't ever have sex, or at least don't enjoy it - whose idea of true happiness is that someday she'll die and go to heaven....stood there in the dark next to her mini-van and chugged tequila with me from a coffee decanter!!!!! I told her I thought it was the coolest thing we had ever done together. Best mother-daughter moment ever.

Yesterday was Valentine's Day. I have always had great disdain for this holiday. Had a bit more than that for it this year. (Snark) I was suppose to hang out at the art museum and have dinner with one of the loveliest people in the world, but my temperature was 102* and I figured great works of art are better appreciated when fully conscious. So I mostly vegged out with Auntie M - watched a chocolate fight on The Bold and the Beautiful, and kept my snark to myself when 50 couples got engaged on The Talk. Then, I went back to "the house" to be a mama after school and realized that there is nothing more lusciously Red and heart throbbing and frilly and pink and heart shaped than how much I love my two boys. So, we went out to dinner at the messiest place we could find. Famous Dave's BBQ. Faces and fingers got covered in sweet, hot, sticky sauce and we laughed a lot and I snorted sweet tea out my nose when a waiter walked by with a t'shirt that said "Is it really so wrong to love a pig?" It was one of those moments. Where everything is right in the universe. Where everything you need is within arm's reach. And you just know that everything is gonna be okay. I took a mental snapshot and breathed to Goddess something that went like "More of this...please, I want more of how I feel right now." Best Valentine's date ever.

Merry Christmas. Fuck with me and I will cut you.

J sent me a link to The Bloggess' recent post about the newest member of her dead stuffed animal collection, Juanita the Weasel. I laughed so hard I cried. I went to her online shop to see if she had made this photo into a card. There was a version which had been censored to say "mess with we" which just isn't as funny. And in that line of thinking I stumbled upon the be all and end all of all t'shirts. I love The Bloggess, and I need this shirt.  Her site won't let me save the image and post it here. So go look at it!  It's totally me, yes? I keep saying if I drop enough F-bombs, the English language will gradually evolve to the point where it is no longer a bad word. It's my goal in life.

Have a job interview tomorrow, peeps. So, that's a good thing. My throat is on the mend, my temp is normal. I'll be able to speak coherently.

Now I just need my Dobbie the house elf keychain to incarnate and clean up the mess that has materialized during my fevered stupor. You know what sweethearts? You can probably guess.....It's All Red, and I'm loving it.

In Grace,

Kell

In the journey....

Hey peeps! Guess what? The sky did not fall. Although the amount of rain we're getting seems to indicate it's trying to.

I keep doing that exercising for the sake of endorphins thing. Probably not as much as i should. But I figure every little bit helps. OMG, found a new herb that lifts the gray clouds every single time exactly like the first time I took a Zoloft a few years ago. Holy Basil - try it my dears. Get the gelcaps, they're more powerful than the capsules of dried up leaves. Anyway, just wanted to let you know acknowledging I'm depressed doesn't mean I'm staying in that dark place. Actually have been there a lot less since I fessed up about it.

Been staying at my lovely Aunt M's lovely house in lovely Newberg quite a bit lately - cause being at "home" is just, well, depressing. Got a new routine going where I get the kids out the door to school, spend a couple of hours playing maid at the house, then go to her peaceful, quiet and exquisitely decorated living room that smells like a hundred Scentsy pots heating "flower shop" at full blast. That's where I dig into the job of finding a job. It's a lot easier there than amidst the ghosts and angst monsters that grab me by the throat at the ol' homestead.

Having survived a weekend of personal attack against my right to happy, I'm now coming off a rather pleasant one that involved lots of fun people and places. It's not exactly over yet either - Deva Kate volunteered to hear "my side of the story" over coffee today. And later the irrepressible Deva Kelli will try hard not to say I told you so over a vodka collins (me) and a piece of cheesecake (her). My goal is to laugh my way through both of these girlfriend sessions. I have decided that the beauty of a roller coaster ride is that you know the down times are temporary and always followed by a time of peace. A friend recently reminded me that the universe is generous and that scarcity only exists in my mind. So, what the hell, might as well start acting like it.

This Grace Storm keeps getting better and better. It's all Red sweethearts, never forget that.


Ha! Just clicked on my Divine Wink at the illustrious Sera Beak's website! I got my all time fave that I've gotten a million times...."You are what happens when all that is, and all that is not, Fuck."

In Grace, (and by that I mean sitting, rolling, playing in it, soaking it up like a sponge - like mud wrestling with angel wings)
Kell

There's always a Red lining.....

I'm back on blogger. LiveJournal was yucky. Boring. Black and White. I need the pretty pictures in the background. Their filters to keep certain people from seeing certain things only work if everyone in my whole universe signs up for an account. Lame.

Besides which today I'm saying Fuck It. If I say something which disturbs you, just understand that I am the same person I was before you heard me say it. That the person you loved contained these parts whether you knew it or not. I kind of want to say whatever I want and see if the sky falls.

I have talked so much about living life graciously, outrageously. Of finding joy and pleasure in all things, but more importantly of planning it in. There is a line on my website that says "Pleasure doesn't come to those who wait, it comes to those who plan it, organize it , and implement it." Pleasure is a power tool.

I have embraced the Law of Attraction ever since I fell in love with James Ray on The Secret. Today he's in prison because he let people sweat to death and I am not much further along on the road to absolute joy and fulfillment.  Why? Because I lack the drive, the discipline, the willpower, the consistency? Well, yes. I find moments, some that last for weeks and months, where I am outrageously happy. On the right path. Chugging along - the little Red Engine That Can.

I know the right things to do. I make vision boards and write desire statements. I do art and write erotic poetry and do EFT Tapping, and stop eating sugar and wheat, I exercise and take 20,000 iu's of Vitamin D every day.

But something always comes along and blows me off course. And it always feels like its something external. Like my kids ruining my carefully scheduled art time because they need to be driven somewhere. Or someone throws a birthday party and I eat cake. Or marriage as I know it falls apart and the whole world turns upside down. There is not enough money to buy groceries but I'm writing a $200 donation check to the baseball team because political rumor has it he won't make a team if we don't support their cause. There's a cyst in my lymph gland - the kind that turns out to be nothing but has me scared shitless for 3 1/2 hours on a Wednesday morning. Well sure those things are bound to set anyone back. Right?

But the thing is, I'm never surprised by the setback. It always feels like just part of normal. The frustration, the resentment, the guilt, the sense of there never being enough of anything including my self - that's my baseline, my (0,0) on the graph.

I desperately have to find a job. We are on the edge of bankruptcy. We don't want to lose the house. "We" includes me and my husband who is no longer my husband but my housemate.  I am so sick of telling my kids we can't afford it. I will never know who I truly am until I am financially self-sufficient. I sit and peruse listings on craiglist and monster. I look at the employment pages of every corporate website I can think of. I go to job fairs. But, 9 days out of 10 I can hardly move. My house is a mess. I am behind on everything. I am so stuck in the stuckness. I berate myself for not having that balance of male energy - that action oriented energy that moves forward no matter what. It's hard to move forward when I'm mostly just scrambling to catch up. People talk about hitting rock bottom as being the impetus that forces them upward. That scares me. It must mean I haven't hit the bottom yet.

I love The Bloggess. She is funny and irreverent. She does the most outrageous things. She is not afraid to say what she thinks. She has no filter. She is also clinically depressed and cuts herself. She recently posted a blog about this and it elicited such a response from the thousands who read her.

You know that commercial for Cymbalta where the cartoon woman is followed around through her day by the little cloud that looks like a gray piece of poo? It's a ridiculous analogy. Depression is not a little gray cloud with a sad apologetic smile on its face. It's a giant towering black storm that descends over your head and wraps you in an uncaring profound stillness. It isn't angry or sad or full of scary lightening and loud thunder. Its a dense gray fog that wipes away all your emotions and leaves you with nothing. You can see all there is to do and be but you can't do anything about it. Sometimes you get panicky over this. But you can't really do anything about that either. 

So I'm saying it out loud. And I don't care what you think. I don't care if you tell me to just get off my ass and cheer up. I don't care if you think I'm weak. Even if it makes you scared for me. I'm not gonna not say it just so you won't worry. I'm depressed. I deal with depression every day. I have for as long as I can remember. I struggle every day to keep moving forward. Well, not every moment of every day. You may catch me in a split second of bliss or a moment of joy or 4 1/2 minutes of peace and calm or 2 hours of happy.

Those good moments prove to me that James Ray was right about a lot. That Mama Gena is a genius. That EFT Tapping and Flowdreaming aren't just new age bullshit. That Vision Boards and Desire Statements and lists of dreams and intentions are good things. They help me float. They keep me moving forward even when its so dark I can't see where my foot is gonna land.

What's the point of saying it out loud? Because its pointless to talk about the journey and the tools and where you want to go if you don't name where it is you're starting from. Because if I hadn't known the darkness, I couldn't love the light. Because acknowledging you're sick is the first step on the road to recovery.  Because it's not something I should feel guilty about. Because saying it doesn't mean She is not Goddess, and I am not part of Her. But mostly, because I know you're out there and you needed someone else to say it first.

Because I feel lighter already. And because even the gray clouds are Red.

In Grace,

Kell

P.S. In response to The Bloggess' depression entry, Masala Skeptic set up an open blog called The Silver Ribbon Stories.  I will be posting great chunks of this entry there. Should you need to, please feel free to tell your story there as well.

Moving time...

It's moving time peeps! I have loved it here at Blogger. I adore all the beautiful pictures I can put behind my posts but what I don't love is that there are no filter settings here and anything I say can, will and has been used against me by the people I didn't think were going to see it.

So I'm moving over to LiveJournal, where mostly everything will be public just like it has been. But, if you want to keep closer tabs on the Deva and what is actually going on behind the scenes and between the vague and veiled lines, you can create an account, become my friend and get the whole scoop. That blog is called It's All Red and the public page can be found here.

Life happens in the transitions...so here we go!

In Grace,

Kell

The funny thing about asking for a Grace storm is that it doesn't generally look like you think it's going to. You can claim, pray, beg and intend Grace but what you don't realize is that Grace knows better than you do what is really best. Ramakrishna said "The winds of Grace are always blowing, but you have to raise the sail." So you raise the sail and find yourself enduring gale force winds in the middle of a shit hurricane.

My mom always said, "This is building character." and "It'll get worse before it gets better." I think that was her way of saying it's all Red. It's all getting you where you're going. And you'll be better off when you get there.

The past 48 hours have been the hardest of my entire life I think. The good thing is that words flowed out of me onto paper, the paint flowed fluently from my brushes. Why is it that creativity comes out of me when I am hurting more easily than when I'm happy? Maybe I've got it backward, maybe the hurt comes because the creativity has built up inside and not been outlet. Maybe it pushes itself out in a cathartic way because I tend to ignore my need for it when there are other pleasant distractions going on.

Here's the deal sweethearts: I must apply myself with utmost consistency and discipline to getting on with life. This is going to take hard work and fortitude and a deep connection to the voice of my soul. I think the only way I'm going to make it through is paradoxically to apply myself just as hard to the art. I must paint and write and craft and sing and dance even when I am not inspired to. Especially when I am not inspired to.

I thought I would share what came out of me today:

She flew. Rising higher and higher like she had in so many childhood nightmares.
The tethers that had bound her to the ground trailed behind her, their bloody roots glistening.
She had not known freedom would feel like this. Like tumbling ever onward into clouds filled with thunderous tears.

There was no stopping the onward rush into terror. And yet, there was a pause underneath the rush of wind in her ears.  And behind the crash of lightening ahead. She heard it.

Ka-thump. pause pause pause. Ka-thump. pause pause pause. Ka-thump Ka-thump

She was afraid. Ka-thump. She was lonely. Ka-thump. She was out of control. Ka-thump. She was lost. Ka-thump. She was so very sad. Ka-thump Ka-thump.

And on into the darkness Ka-thump she tumbled Ka-thump falling ever upward Ka-thump into the unknown Ka-thump. There was no rhyme Ka-thump no path to follow Ka-thump no knowing what lay at the end of the rainy cold freefall Ka-thump Ka-thump Ka-thump

There was Ka-thump only the soft Ka-thump quiet beating Ka-thump of her warm Ka-thump, living, Ka-thump glowing, Ka-thump Red Ka-thump heart.

It's all Red sweethearts....everything.

In Grace,

Kell

Hello Sweet Hearts - It's been 2 months since I journaled here. Not my longest absence from the world of blogging, but too long an absence from my living my own life on purpose and with presence. I last wrote right after my first show and was riding a happy high. According to Gay Hendricks, in The Big Leap, this must have triggered a reaction to some unconscious upper limiting belief about my self because shortly thereafter I plunged headfirst into a time of chaos and darkness during which I couldn't tell my own head from my ass to find which way was up.

Hades caught me of course. He always does, every time the earth opens up beneath me and swallows me whole. But this morning he seems to be pushing me out of the womb of the earth and saying it's not time to be here anymore.

If every dark cloud has a silver lining, the most recent one is made up of the people in my life who have shown up to love me through this. And as usual, goddess speaks loudly through the mouths of those around me, so I am blessed to be surrounded by such deep vessels. So, if I may take a moment I'd like to speak in humbled and slightly embarrassed gratitude to those who so eloquently spit my own words back into my face when I needed them.

JKW I would go through hell 2 1/2 more times if it meant I got to meet you all over again. You once toasted to the darkness and told me I would get through this. More recently you told me stop bitching, get my shit together and make a plan. (Well, not in those words, but that's how it translated.)

My sage of wisdom and laughter and the best boss in the whole world who will never ever read this blog....you quoted woo woo LOA new age verbage to me like you'd been raised the love-child of Louise Hay and Wayne Dyer. "You just need to get a vision of what you want your life to look like and then keep looking at it no matter what and see where it takes you."

Miss RS, the Deva of Drama, you put your hands on my shoulders, looked me in the eyeballs and quoted my own words back to me. "You are already a radiant goddess no matter what anyone else thinks or says. It's about your pleasure. Everything else will work itself out!"


KC - if I believed in soul mates, you would be her. We are K2 to the nth degree, every guy in a bar's wet dream, and two wild at heart peas in a pod wearing affirmation panties. I am never in a million years re-incarnating without you.


JDS - you will always be my best friend and greatest teacher. Always. No matter what.


Well, there. Sometimes you just have to say thank you.


All of this mostly to inform the universe that I know it's all been Red. To re-affirm and re-intention that a Deva's ultimate calling of making the world a more beautiful place for others to live in is only made possible by her finding and celebrating every ounce of pleasure and every drop of joy in each split second and inch of time and space.


Some famous lady is quoted as saying she wants to be such a woman that when she gets out of bed in the morning, the devil rolls his eyes and say's "Oh crap, she's awake." If I believed the devil was an actual entity and not a myth made up by patriarchal founders of a hundred religions who needed a source of evil in order to scare the masses into submission, he would not just be rolling his eyes, he would be standing in pile of his own shit.


Deva's back! Are you ready for a Grace storm?

Einstein Saturday

All the days leading up to the art show, I kept telling myself about all the stuff I would do once it was over. I kept remembering SARK saying not to get so wrapped up in your passion that you forget to live your life. My yard and garden had become a mess. None of my other projects were getting worked on. I was consumed with getting ready for the show.

So the show happened and was lovely and all that and I took a day off to recover and recuperate and made the decision to do another show in barely over a week. Which means I'm looking at another rapidly approaching deadline and a big push to concentrate on painting and getting ready. That's not a bad thing, right - I mean this is my favorite thing to do so it's not like it's hard. But, my other favorite thing to do is work in my yard and I had really been looking forward to a couple days of getting my feet dirty and finding my green thumbs.

Fortunately I remembered what Gay Hendricks had written in The Big Leap about living in "Einstein Time." Not the Newtonian version where time exists out there and is something that I am constantly fighting with and not having enough of.  But, rather, where time is completely relative to me and exists only where I am so in essence is being created by me. If time is created by me, then I will never run out of it and can simply decide to create more of it.

Armed with this vague and murky knowledge, I sat down and made a ginormous to do list this morning. It included all the gardening and all the cleaning and all the painting and prep work I needed to do in a perfect world where there is always more than enough time to do everything I want to do. This ended up being one of those epic lists that span 2 to 3 notebook pages. I generally only get to the end of the first page on any given day and end up remaking the list the next day.

But this time as I started out hauling mulch bags and cutting back grape vines and pulling weeds in the cool of the morning, I imagined time actually spiraling out of me as I worked. I thought about creating and birthing time itself and imagined myself in my own little bubble of minutes and hours that existed only for my use - completely separate from the clock the rest of the world was running on.

I probably don't have to tell you that I got almost to the end of my ginormous to do list. I worked barefoot in the yard for hours, set up and organized my studio for hours, got out the skill saw and cut up boards for hours, cleaned house for hours - and managed to stay hydrated and full of super foods all day long. I'm looking at this list now, with all its items scribbled out and I cannot believe I did all of these things today. In one day. In 16 hours.

I'm looking forward to another day of Einstein time tomorrow. And all week long as I prepare for this weekend's craft fair, and spend time in my garden, and clean my house and spend time with friends, and work out at the gym, and practice extreme self-care while working my ass off.

I wonder if Einstein ever wore Red?

If it's all Red, that means Time is too....

In Grace,

Kell

Kelli asked me on Facebook today how I was doing and I replied that I'm totally hagging it out. This is what a deva does when she is in total self-care mode and doesn't give a damn what she looks like. But hag is one of those cool words that I'm reclaiming. Yes, my hair is sticking out all over and I'm still in yesterday's underwear. But the original hag was not just the toothless, hunchback who could give you the evil eye or brew a potion to send you into endless sleep, (doesn't sound so bad today!) she was the wise woman who lived deep in the forest to be close to the trees, the herbs and the energy that made "magic" in people's lives. Much like "crone" I'm taking back my right to be a hag. Today I am resting and cleaning up after my big adventure, and yes....magically preparing for my next one!

I had a sign at Cracked Pots that didn't sell - but it got a lot of attention! "Future Crone" was noticed by every woman over the age of 40 who all chuckled and said "I'm already there!" Really? You're already the wisest woman you know? The woman who is so full of inner peace, power and joy that she no longer needs to care one whit what anyone else thinks. The silvery haired shaman, the medicine healer, the gatherer of herbs and the brewer of potions, the writer of "spells" that people could take home, repeat over and over and have come into being. The one people went to when they wanted answers. The one who looked them straight in the eye and told them exactly what they needed but didn't want to hear. She is where I want to go, but I hope I don't ever get there and go "Oh I can stop growing now, I've arrived!"

I understand that people just didn't get it. My Aunt Mary asked me to explain it to her and when I told her the original definition she asked "How come I didn't know that? How did it become just an ugly old woman who is doubled over in pain?" I replied that it was not by accident that she didn't know and that the reason is that if she knew she could become that, she would be powerful and dangerous and the patriarchy could not contain her! And so it is with words like hag and crone and witch and cunt. They've been made awful and dirty and something you would never want to be. I think Future Crone is going to get hung over the Red workbench in my studio.

Anyway, Cracked Pots....lovely Cracked Pots. My first ever show as a real live artist was such a delightful success!  Every one's first question is always "Did you make any money?" Like that's the only measure of success. Well, I'm happy to say that on May 1st, I started keeping track of business expenses and revenues. As of today, I have officially broken even and made my first $25 of actual profit! More importantly, being in that beautiful garden under a giant Maple tree and surrounded by people who create things was a thrill unto itself. I made friends, hundreds of contacts and can now say, officially, with proof, that I am an artist.

Just ask Jacqui and Meribeth who told me I inspire them. They brought their "Gratitude" sign back the next day so I could sign it for them. Ask the 15 year old girl who walked by my spot and then stopped and screamed, "Oh my god! I have to have that! Mom! You have no idea! I need that! I'm not leaving until I have that!" It was "The Journey is the Goal" and whatever it means to her today, I hope she never forgets it. Ask Greta who chatted with me for a half-hour both days. Who "got" every single sign on display and finally ended up with "Act As If" on an old drawer front. Ask Judy who bought "Grace." She has a kidney that a friend gave her 3 years ago. She named it Gracie. She fought back tears as she told me the story. She definitely knows what Grace is. There was the woman who bought "My Cup Runneth Over" for her mom. The story is that immediately after giving birth, her mom whispered those words to her tiny infant.

I love that "Jesus Saves, I Recycle" went home with 5 different people. That two different women bought "Follow Your Passions, They Know The Way" because they knew they needed to see it on a daily basis. I told them both, "They really do know the way; I know this because I'm standing here." I loved the couple that bought "Move Along, these are not the druids you're looking for" for their Star Wars shrine.

Can you tell I had fun? I even had fun staying up 'til 3 a.m. to make more signs to sell on Wednesday. Every sign I made in the wee hours sold and it was a lesson in how fast I can actually crank things out when I want to.

Mostly it was surreal - like I couldn't believe it was me standing there and people were saying how cool it was. I felt like Sally Field..."You like me, you really like me!" I don't know which is more delicious, that I sold 25 signs or that something that came out of me touched someone else' life. There's this whole other wow factor going on around that.

So, today I am hagging it out. Recovering from the lack of sleep and riding the high into tomorrow. I'm reveling in the shimmery energy and the realization that public success involves personal accountability. But, I don't have to know the next step or the how right now. My wild donkey is taking me to new exciting places. I'm just along for the ride.

It's A Rainbow of Reds!

In Grace,

Kell

Long Island Ice Tea and Birthday Cake

My life is perfect. Well, I spend a great deal of time worrying and whining about all the shit that isn't perfect in my life but right now, in this moment. This perfect moment - my life is perfect. I'm sitting on my back deck smack in between the two display sets for Cracked Pots I've been playing with. I'm drinking long island iced tea from a grown up sippy cup (both the liit mix and the cup were a gift for my 40th b'day - I use the cup all the time but am finally breaking out the mixer. I haven't had this in years, it reminds me of college and Thursday nights at Omar's.) There's a votive from my favorite candle makers - Tyler Candle Company - in Birthday Cake flavor. It's a little sickeningly sweet but it's diffusing nicely in the open air.

It's been a great working weekend. I've been kind of in awe of it actually. I actually gave up a family camping trip and turned down a few other choices in lieu of "working" like crazy to get ready for the show. I painted and lettered and painted some more. I slapped primer and gesso on cut up paper bags and then cut out squares and wrote stories for each one of the pieces going to the show with me. I cut a plastic grocery bag into ribbons and attached the story tags to each piece. I took new pictures of every single piece for the special orders album I'm making - did I mention that I painted and lettered and painted some more?

And all the while I kept thinking, "This is suppose to be hard, I'm suppose to be frantic!" And while there is a sense of urgency and deadliney-ness, I'm mostly in awe of the fact that this is my job. Doing what I love most in the whole world is my job.

And another awe inspiring thing is that when you're truly having fun, time doesn't always fly. It seems to come out of me, from that creative place that all things come from - that place where there is always enough of everything, including time. Because not only did I work, but I watched Bay play baseball. I shopped for a phone for my husband and a game system for Gav. I went out for drinks with Kelli last night, and today had nice talks on the studio couch with my sweetheart - and now here I am Relaxing and doing what people are suppose to do with a gorgeous summer evening.

In The Big Leap, Gay Hendricks talks about how time expands when we are in our Zone of Genius. I guess I experienced that this weekend and well, I keep saying it, but, wow - it was awesome. And I don't mean it in that 80's flippant valley girl sort of way.

You know all the times I've said that in order to do the thing, you have to be the person who does the thing? This weekend felt like that. Like I was not just doing stuff to get ready for this show so that I could be/do/have whatever it is I want. I felt like I was being the Graceful Deva. And it felt good.

So, whatever it is you want to be/do/have - start being it now. Right now. In this moment. This perfect beautiful gorgeous moment.  I'm raising my grown up sippy cup to your being-ness. Cheers to how Red it all is.

In Grace,

Kell

Summer is here!

27 days 'til Cracked Pots!

I was out of the loop and just realized today is the Summer Solstice! We're mid-way through Beltane and the glorious sun is shining!

The boys are out of school of course. Bailey Little Bear is off to his big New York/Wash DC trip tonight. Amazing how much effort and energy it takes to get one teenager packed and out the door. Gavin Little Bird goes to grandma and grandpa's this weekend and stays for a whole week. Meanwhile Relay for Life is this weekend and I have to get the giant red cardboard barn front out of my garage. Crazy week!

The lovely parts: First ballroom dance class is this Friday! Relay for Life is Saturday and after recovering on Sunday, there will be overlap in the boys trips and this house will be kid-less for almost 3 whole days! Whoot whoot!

I made my big organized flowchart for the day (like I talked about last time) and it has actually helped me stay on track most of the time. I learned another lesson this week that's even better: Relax, chill, make it fun, breathe, do it because you love it, not because you have to have 30 more signs done by 3 weeks from today.

A little bit ago I was in the studio adding hangers to some finished signs and I looked around for what to paint next. Everything that I'd been working on was done! I'd been having so much fun just having fun that I hadn't realized how much progress I was making. So I got out some more pre-cut boards, got out the sander and the primer and started 5 more stations from the beginning.

Ooh! I also talked a lovely young man in Boston named Lee today.  He's with Merchant Warehouse and I, Graceful Deva, can now officially process Visa & MC payments without going through Etsy or PayPal. I will be utilizing their very cheapest program which involves the use of one of those old-school cha-ching, cha-chunk card swiping imprint machines. Ha! The thought of this makes me laugh. It feels a little ridiculous. But hey, being ridiculous lets me know I'm alive.

So, now custom orders don't have to go through Etsy or pay by snail mail.

Have you liked Graceful Deva on Facebook? Please do! I update it separately from my personal page with just stuff that's happening in the studio. Plus, it will make me feel good!

Breathe! Enjoy! Don't beg for Grace, be Grace!

It's All Red.

Kell

Super Nanny to the rescue!

So, I've had a life epiphany. Just now, this morning as I sat in my sweaty gym clothes watching 3 back to back rerun episodes of Super Nanny. (Besides the fact that actually watching tv-as-it-happens instead of a DVR'd version brought home the fact that tv is a giant cluster-f@#$ing waste of time because of all the commercials.)

The other day on a sunny evening walk with my husband, I admitted to him that  I get frustrated with my Self for not knowing how to be organized. I have so many hats, so many roles to juggle that, while I manage to keep the balls in the air, I don't necessarily do any of them very well. There is just seemingly not enough time in the day to get some of everything in to the point that any of it feels like its being adequately taken care of - so I end up feeling fairly mediocre at everything. I have traditionally been a list maker - but my to-do lists always end being these impossible gigantic tools of frustration. I have tried day planners and calendars but I always end up scheduling everything down to the minute and things get messed up in the transitions. So, lately it seems like I have this giant cloud around my head filled with all the different things that need doing, with no specific time set for when I will do them.

This is the reason I found myself in front of the tv this morning even though there were a million better options to be, do, or have.

Enter JoJo the Super Nanny. She took 3 completely out of control, dysfunctional, chaotic families and gave them the tools to fix themselves. The number one thing she said to all of them....establish a routine. She made big bright colorful charts of the step by step process the children needed to do to calmly get out the door in the morning. She had parents fill in the blanks on poster sized hourly schedules regarding when meals were served, babies were fed, naps were taken, toys were picked up, etc.

That's my epiphany.That's what I need. Not a blackberry with microscopic fields you can hardly see. Not a day planner with detailed spaces for minute by minute scheduling. I need a gigantic, poster sized, colorful wall chart with stickers and movable happy faces! I need a "first you do this, then you do this" lesson plan and I need it staring me in the face every morning. I want a routine. I long for order. I want to get up in the morning and know exactly what I will do when because it is exactly what I did yesterday.

You steadfast 9 to 5-ers probably think I'm crazy or lazy or both. I get it. I also get that spontaneity is a beautiful thing and that I need to allow it. But lack of structure is not working and I need to get me some.  Complete with Magic Markers, glitter pens and glow in the dark stickers.On a Red poster board, of course.

Join me at Office Depot anyone?

In Grace,

Kell

I was made for sunny days!

It's amazing how much easier everything is when the sun is shining. I mean, perfectly lovely blue skies without a cloud in sight for hours and hours is just about the most amazing thing in the whole world. Especially after this dreary spring we've had. Everyone has said the sun was just gonna appear and boom it would be summer. That is so okay with me.

Well, the other day I realized it was not okay to be mopey. I know how to feel better, how to inspire myself and how to feel good. So, it was back to square one, starting over at the beginning with Pleasure as the number one principle and priority. Well, duh. I had gotten wrapped up in life again and had forgotten to schedule, plan and implement pleasure every day. And the natural consequence of that is that I found myself not having any fun. Once again, duh!

So I decided to schedule in some fun stuff but also to just decide to have fun no matter what was going on. To celebrate everything. So far, so good. Today was lovely. (I know the sunshine helped, but I was purposefully being happy as well!) We were at the baseball field at 7:00 - then took Bay to finish up his soccer ref training. Then went to the Saturday Market and bought raw honey and bee pollen. (Honey is a super food, eat more of it!) Then we picked up Gav from a birthday party sleep over. All of this momminess was done by 10:30, so I got to open up the garage studio to the sun and spend the day sanding and priming.

I love the feeling of numb hands and arms from using my power sander for so long.  I primed boards and let them dry in the sun. Even the thick coat of goopy white latex I put on after the primer dried fast it was so warm.

In the evening when it cooled off a little I played in the garden. I finally planted the tomatoes the boys had bought me for mother's day. I dug up a diseased peony and planted a rose in it's place. I transplanted the hydrangea my mom gave me for my 39th birthday into a shady spot in the back yard. I cut back rhododendron that had gone all viney and pulled a million weeds. The raspberries had grown over Spanky's grave so I tied them up and pulled some rogue canes. I worked in the yard until it was too dark to see. OMG it felt good!

I love that there are so many different kinds of perfect days.  It's true that the fastest way to attain Happiness is to just be happy where you are. And celebrate the hell out of it.

Having the Reddest Day Ever!

In Grace,

Kell

Deva Does Weather

Getting ready to head south on the freeway to visit my in-laws for Memorial Day weekend. The weather is drab and cheerless - everyone is so tired of the yucky gray raininess! I'm wishing I could stay home and work in the studio. Cracked Pots in mid-July is fast approaching and I'm starting to get that panicky feeling about all the stuff that needs to get done by then. Not to mention just making signs!

Day 26 of my moon cycle and I'm going to my in-laws. I keep saying, "Every person and situation is a golden link in the chain of my incoming good."

On a Sunny note, I have signs at a little antiques/collectibles store in Albany called Our Sister's Attic. I can't link to their website because I haven't built it for them yet! Wow, need to be working on that too.

We discovered that our van has a headlight out and we needed to change it out before hitting the road. J was standing at the front door watching the skies dump rain and not wanting to go out and fix the light. I told him to hang on a few minutes, maybe it would let up. Then I went to the back door, centered myself in my lower body, raised my arms and felt the rain saturating everything and thanked it. Then I "lifted the clouds" - imagined hot sun beating on my face, smiled at make-believe rainbows shining through the mists and the warmth of blue skies drying out the soggy earth. I smiled and said thank you and went back to packing suitcases.

Five minutes later J shouted that the rain had let up and he was going out to fix the car light. I looked out the bedroom window at blue skies, mists lifting off the wet pavement and sunshine beating on the wet trees. "Holy Crap! I did that!" I shouted. He doesn't believe me. He thinks I'm an egomaniac. The rains are back now that he's done with the car and I'm okay with that. Mother Nature gave me what we needed and that's enough.

I just think people are more powerful than we think we are. Or that "prayer" means something different than we think it does. Funny that I "know" I can do weather, but seem to have a problem with nutrition, having more than just enough money, and feeling fabulous on Day 26. Like one type of energy is harder than another. Oh, well - Baby Steps.

It's All Red My Lovelies - be sweet to your Selves.

In Grace,

Kell

Flowing Goodness

I tried to update over the weekend but blogger wasn't working. Instead I made a Facebook Page for Graceful Deva - check it out if you haven't yet. I need a few more "likes" on the page and then something magical and official will happen.

My copy of "The Game of Life and How to Play It" by Florence Scovel Shinn is way over due at the library. I'm kind of in awe when I find someone who says exactly what I need to hear at exactly the right time even though they wrote it over 85 years ago! She has a huge library of affirmations that I picked and chose from. They're now on index cards and hanging all over my house.

"My good now flows to me in a steady, unbroken, ever-increasing stream of happiness."

It's All Red!

In Grace,

Kell

Be Easy

I just finished this sign - my first custom order for an Etsy customer - it turned out so great with lots of knot and nail holes showing through and catching different layers of paint.

I love doing the signs that mean something special to someone, even if I don't know exactly what it means to them or the story behind it. It feels so special to work on something that's going to catch someone's breath or inspire them to greatness or remind them how important they are, every time they see it.

I don't know the story behind "Be Easy" for this young woman in Wisconsin but I love what it has come to mean for me this week as I worked on it. Several years ago I found a woman named Julia Rogers Hamrick who lives in this magical place called Easy World. It's the place where things unfold smoothly, flowingly, where even the bumps and bruises of daily life are handled gracefully and effortlessly. How does one get to Easy World? By taking a deep breath and saying "I choose to live in Easy World where everything is easy." Shitstorms become manageable, chaos fades into the background, even scary things like grief and loss suddenly are contained in a giant reservoir of grace. Decisions are made efficiently, knotted schedules work themselves out and I am suddenly super-woman, minus the stress.

Generally I live in Difficult World, where you may have guessed, everything is difficult. But my passport and portal into Easy World is always open and available - when I remember to "breathe, relax, allow and enjoy."

"Be Easy" to me is a gentle loving reminder that it is only my resistance to what is that makes life difficult. Easy is a state of being. My true nature, the Deva within, is Easy incarnate. It is only when I forget who I am and start to believe my ego's made up stories about how the way it's suppose to be that things get difficult.

Easy is about how I handle and react. It's not about what I am handling and reacting to.

So take a deep breath darlings, join me in Easy World. It's very Red here.

In Grace,

Kell

Noticing how far we've come...

The Life Makeover action of the week is to review the past 6 months or so and take note of all your growth and accomplishments. I don't know why its hard to do this. I think I'm so geared to push ever onward ("Further up, Further in!) and it feels inefficient to pause and look backwards. Mostly it feels like I don't deserve it yet. Like I don't have enough tangible results to warrant the kudos.

Although, just last night Jay and I made some reference to our lives back in Corvallis just before me moved and we both had this moment of, Wow - we're not even the same people we were then and that was only 18 months ago! I guess its just harder to quantify and list internal change and put it down on paper.

One thing this exercise did get me to do was review and read all of my past blogs. Every single one of them! In the first place, I can't believe I missed my one year anniversary of being a blogger and made no mention of it. Second, I noticed that from time to time along the way, some of you actually commented and in my lack of blogger knowledge, I failed to ever notice, let alone respond. Thank you to those that commented. I appreciate your words a little late but they nonetheless thrill my soul.

When I posted my very first blog entry back in February of 2010 I remember having such trepidation, yet feeling so courageous to actually begin a course of action that would hold me accountable to living life fully.

Do you have time to wander down memory lane with me? Here's a list of my faves from the past year and two months:

Silver chandeliers, red patent leather, and green mason jars

So, why all the Red?

Cracked Pots  (There is even more joy connected to this post now!)

On the edge....

Walk into the light!

Shinin' the Light

Riding the Wild Donkey

A Million Right Nows

What a blast it's been! Thanks for being a part of my Red journey.

In Grace,

Kell

Red Hot and Holy Love

I've been hanging onto this blogpost/newsletter from Sera Beak and the Redvolution since Valentine's Day. I love the way she writes - I found The Red Book long after I fell in love with Red and all things goddessy, but I've always said that she wrote the manifesto I didn't know how to write.

This is verbatim from her Valentine's Day post but I think it bears repeating any time of year.....

Happy Red Hot and Holy Love Day!
Red is much more than a color.

It's a pulse. An energy. A truth.

It's a forgotten Language

(of Love)

a forbidden Movement

(in Love)

an extremely detailed Divine Dare

(to Love)

even more... even more...even more. Yep, even more.

Red is a taste (of Red wine). A feel (of fire). A smell (of roses).

Red is a tawdry Touch (of freedom )

Everywhere

Red is your life force, your She force, demanding embodiment and a Red cape. Red is medicinal (cherry flavored) - fulfilling your soul's unique prescription. Red is an attitude (badass) and a force of nature (volcano) begging to be reckoned with.

Remember

Red are the creations you make when you stop seeking external approval or acceptance, sales or more FaceBook friends (update your soul's status instead, yo!)

Red raises your spiritual temperature and expands your cosmic current.

Red turns you inside out (Boo!)

(scaring the neighbors, setting off fire alarms, inspiring galaxies) 

But most of all, Red is an incredibly cheesy (obviously) yet ecstatically explosive Valentine the Universe delivers to your holy heart

every

time

it

beats.

(Ka BOOM!!!)

(Ka BOOM!!!)

(Ka BOOM!!!)

Pretty cool, huh?

In Grace,

Kell